Friday, January 8, 2010

The White Death, January 2010

Coming out of the North, the White Death reached the borders of Tennessee in the winter of 2010 unleashing a rampage of terror and panic across the state – unprecedented in recorded history. By the time the disaster played itself out less than twenty-four hours later, anywhere between 78% and 94% of the region’s milk and bread supply was depleted. The residents of Nashville had fallen victim to the calamity.

White Death Variants:
The White Death presents itself in three interrelated forms. The Minaccia Variant (the most common) derives its name from the Italian word for threat. This “threat variant” is the most severe of the White Death variants forcing a vast percentage of the populace to run to the nearest grocery store to purchase bread and milk. A majority of the work force abandon their jobs and flee for the perceived safety of home. This “run for your life, but don’t forget the bread and milk” mentality can cause irreparable harm to southern society by invoking amused scorn and ridicule from residents of northern climes.

A second variation – Schnee Tag, which is a derivative of the German word for snow day – has been known to cause overwhelming joy and giddiness in children while simultaneously striking terror in the hearts of all adults, especially parents. This variant manifests itself in entire school systems ceasing to operate for days at a time. Having no defense or understanding of the cause of the Schnee Tag, parents caught in the onslaught of sledding and building human likenesses out of snow are bewildered, panicked and finally devastated. Children, however, experience an unnatural exhilaration and lose all ability to know when to come in from the cold. Currently, Swedish scientists are studying how neglecting to complete school assignments for the following day may incapacitate this variant. Results are inconclusive.

The Glace Noir variant, perhaps the most deadly of all the variants, presents itself in the form of a very thin layer of ice on the roads and bridges in the impacted area. Nothing can overcome or alleviate this deadly variant except for the spraying of thousands of gallons of saltwater substance on highly traveled routes. Ignoring the pleadings of meteorologists and transportation officials, an enormous number of ignorant men and women take to their automobiles and consequently end up plummeting off the roadway. Thus, causing automobile towing professionals to risk life and limb to assist in recovering vehicles that succumbed to the Glace Noir variant. In most cases very few automobiles escape without permanent damage in the appearance of dents and scrapes.

Cure for the White Death:
The violence of the White Death is such that the diseased quickly communicate it to the healthy who come near them. To speak to, go near, or read an e-mail from the afflicted quickly brings infection and a common terror to the living (i.e., herd mentality). With each return of the White Death the variants mutate, growing stronger and manifesting themselves at a quicker and more expansive rate than before. At this time there is no known cure for the White Death. However, insolated sectors of the region’s populace have survived unscathed by forgoing the diet of bread and milk and replacing it with beer and wine. Modern science has yet to validate this correlation.

2 comments:

LeAnn said...

Girl, you got skills! Hilarious! I'm going to have to link to your post. It's just too good not to share.

GailR said...

You forgot the beer - beer is one item that may sell out faster than either bread or milk.

The same condition manifests itself during hurricane season in the southern coastal regions.